Your first year of marriage is often considered to be a big one, as it should. With all of the wedding chaos behind you, people are constantly asking how the newlyweds are, all while you are settling into your new lives together and learning to live combined lives. However, statistics tells us that the first year is often rocky and considered to be in the high-risk category for divorce. Unfortunately, most marriages that fail will do so in the first two years. So, today, I am going to get honest about my first year of marriage and pray that it will speak to you. It was a year totally filled with expectations, change, chaos, and a whole lot of feelings for sure yet, it taught me so much, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
“On the days where I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or we frustrate each other over who left the dishes in the sink, or fill-in-the-blank with any disagreement, I have the privilege (yes, you read that right) to choose to love my husband as best as I can in a way that ultimately represents God’s love for us.”
I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this but as a little girl, I pictured marriage the way that it was represented in movies and television – utter perfection, where everyone perfectly completes the other person, and every day is filled with these “fairy-tale” moments. Then, as I got older and faced different seasons of difficulties, I realized that that was slightly unrealistic (I’ve since grown). I understood that not every moment would be perfect or ideal, and that challenges would come but, in the end, the “work” that everyone kept talking about, I never really understood. I kind of thought (whether or not I admitted it) that once I got married, some of my problems would go away and oh boy, was I wrong. Therefore, when I got engaged in February 2019, I threw myself into all the podcasts, sermons, bible studies, marital books, etc. to make sure that my marriage would be strong and ultimately not break down. Now you might be reading this, with much more experience in your marriage, and think that having a lot of head knowledge would help but ultimately not be enough and again, you would be right!
As I mentioned before, I kept hearing people talk about how your marriage requires a lot of “work” and I never really understood that. Over and over, I would hear or be advised that “love is more than a feeling you experience, and you will have to choose it some days.” So now, with a year and a bit under my belt, I can’t say how true this is. On the days where I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or we frustrate each other over who left the dishes in the sink, or fill-in-the-blank with any disagreement, I have the privilege (yes, you read that right) to choose to love my husband as best as I can in a way that ultimately represents God’s love for us. Most days are far from “perfect” and there is work involved but it is so worth it, and the most beautiful journey that I can walk.
So, now that I have laid the groundwork, here are a few quick lessons that I have learned in my first year of marriage:
Marriage is a mirror. I have often told my friends and family that marriage has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it could. It exposes the sides of you that you wish were not necessarily there or noticeable. For example, I have learned that I am not as patient as I like to think that I am. Or the fact that I have a hard time when plans change quickly (my husband is more spontaneous than I am). It isn’t a bad thing as it helps me to grow more everyday into the person that God has created me to be.
There is beauty in the mundane. As I am writing this, we are in the middle of a pandemic. For the majority of our marriage, we have been “confined” to our one-bedroom basement apartment as we both work from home, and do not have the ability to invite friends over. It has really taught me that the simplest moments are the greatest. To stop and treasure the moments where we play dominos in the evening, bake cookies, or fold laundry – it is all time together to be treasured. The big moments are great and still there but I can delight in the simplicity of everyday life.
Stop having so many expectations. This is a big one for me, I have expectations for everything,and I can often be really hard on myself. I want holidays and vacations to go exactly as planned, I want the dinner that I worked so hard to make to turn out perfectly, etc. and yet those things do not happen. Now, especially, with two people’s lives to coordinate together, not everything goes as planned and that is so okay! I can learn to let go more, and just enjoy the life that I have been given.
Compromise and communication are so important. Blending two lives together can come with its challenges. You both bring family traditions, expectations, routines, coping mechanisms, and the list goes on and on into the relationship and if you are (1) not willing to talk about them, and (2) not willing to budge on your end, then things can get tricky pretty quickly. Take the time to stop and talk about your feelings, or expectations for that upcoming anniversary. Put aside your priority of always getting your way. It helps you stay connected and grounded.
True intimacy is hard and yet beautiful. The ability to be your complete self with another person is an experience like no other. To express yourself freely, walk in your unique calling, have the hard conversations and unravel your deepest wounds together, changes you. It helps you to begin to understand the depth of the Father’s love for us. For someone else to see you as you are, good and bad, and still choose you, is amazing.
Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and quick to give grace. That is a biblical principle that doesn’t need much explaining. Stop trying to be the one who is always right and start just meeting the other person where they are at with enough grace to lavishly pour out on them when they need it.
So, there you have it, those are some of things that I have learned from my first year of marriage. It is the best decision I have ever made, and yet doesn’t come without its challenges. I can’t wait to learn more and grow together in the years to come.
Kristen